I’m sitting inside of Peet’s Coffee and Tea at the Bella Terra where I usually spend most of my free time. I was just asked by a “normal-looking” young lady for financial assistance. I was halfway into telling her I had no cash, a knee-jerk reaction more often true than not, when I realized that I was halfway into a lie. I don’t normally have cash; I handle everything with plastic, and generally don’t realize my wallet is heavier than normal until whenever I reach for the plastic card. But this time, for whatever reason, I remembered… yet I followed through with the lie. 

Why is that? 

Why was I not willing to help a fellow person in need, literally just minutes removed of reading how God is a loving God, regardless of age, race, religion, sexual orientation, or status? Why was I passionate about feeding the hungry and serving the poor one minute and the very next minute when given the chance to live the life I claim to want to live, I decline? 

Quickly all the conservative-leaning excuses rushed to my head. What if she was just lying to me to make a buck? Or if she really did need it, how was a hand-out supposed to help her in the long run? Surely, I am being more loving by “helping” her learn to earn a living rather than asking for a hand-out! 

Halfway through my sorry excuse of a lie to this young lady, I regretted it. My heart hit the ground before the words were finished leaving my mouth. 

As she walked away, I could tell she was disappointed. I wonder if her disappointment has less to do with my answer and more because I gave her the answer she was expecting. Could it be that she was disappointed by lack of surprise? It’s not that I let her hopes down, they might’ve been already. It’s probably that I didn’t give her reason to keep have hope at all. 

I was shocked and paralyzed by my own depravity, unable to even whisper an apology. All the “logical” answers I once used to form my ideology seemed lacking. When I was given the opportunity to love, unconditionally, selflessly, I chose not to, and no logical answer or excuse can change that now. 

Perhaps she was not the one that needed something when she asked for my help. Perhaps I did, and I denied, ultimately, myself. 

even when I don’t feel like speaking
may I sing

even when I don’t feel like being moved
may I dance

even when my heart feels broken
may I love

if I died tonight would you miss me

if I disappear would you even care

I’m alive tonight but you don’t kiss me

I’m always here for you but you’re never there

with this last wish there’d be no morning

one less thing for you to have to do

looking down I’d see you mourning

and cry those tears I’ve always cried for you

It amazes me how frequently I’m underestimated. 

Call me cocky,

call me arrogant,

but don’t try to call my bluff;

I’ll take you for everything you’ve got. 

So don’t try to play me. You’ll lose. But if you insist, I say bring it

I’ve got no more words

I’m cold and alone

I miss you so much

I’ve nothing left

But an empty picture frame

And memories of us